The days seem to be a blur these days. Literally. Sleeplessness is a different ballgame this go around. I find myself barely able to focus my eyes during the day from the burning sensation of having no sleep. {YAWN} It’s hard to even stay afloat in the storm of diapers, breast milk, spit-up and laundry.
They say the first year with a baby is an ice cold bucket of reality to the face. Instead it was easy-peezy and fun. When I had our first baby, I was told about how hard it would be and that reality was far harder than the dream. I loved every moment of motherhood. I embraced this new joy with such relish.
Now onto the second baby – I think now THIS will be a true test of our endurance. Not that my sweet Maxim is difficult. On the contrary. He is so sweet, so mellow and so content. He has his needs — Feeding, sleeping, pooing – repeat. That’s pretty predictable, yeah? Not hard. Then he’s peeing on me while Malia is in the midst of a tantrum that neither Mike or I can calm. The reality of having 2 little ones under the age of 3 is a hard dose of reality. It’s a much different experience than the rainbows and sunshine of the first round. This round has some curve balls for sure.
The last 6 weeks have been a blur. And there’s so much that I could write about but my feelings these days seem more intimate – more vulnerable. Does that make sense?
Maybe my little ones are breaking me down a little and forcing me to see some of my own weaknesses. I don’t know but I’m not sure I have the courage to share those vulnerabilities. Maybe they’ll sound inappropriate when made public – like it’ll become one of those posts that should be titled “Things a mommy wishes she could say, but doesn’t” Ha!
I’ve spent a lot of time lately crying over old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy. I don’t think it’s because of the storylines. I think, most of the time, it’s a release of whatever happens to be pent up that day….frustration, exhaustion, guilt, anxiety…even insecurity? Because deep down there’s a part of me that’s realizing that (gasp!), “They’re winning!”. As I’m getting peed on and a tantrum is taking place behind, I’ve lhad to learn very quickly to take a breath and just let it happen. Babies don’t have control and I don’t have to be in control of everything all the time. Frankly, it’s just not gonna happen anyway.
That’s just a new reality I’m facing and slowly coming to terms to.
Leave a Reply