Staying Afloat

The days seem to be a blur these days.  Literally.  Sleeplessness is a different ballgame this go around.  I find myself barely able to focus my eyes during the day from the burning sensation of having no sleep.  {YAWN}  It’s hard to even stay afloat in the storm of diapers, breast milk, spit-up and laundry.

They say the first year with a baby is an ice cold bucket of reality to the face.  Instead it was easy-peezy and fun.  When I had our first baby, I was told about how hard it would be and that reality was far harder than the dream.  I loved every moment of motherhood.  I embraced this new joy with such relish.

Now onto the second baby – I think now THIS will be a true test of our endurance.  Not that my sweet Maxim is difficult.  On the contrary.  He is so sweet, so mellow and so content.  He has his needs — Feeding, sleeping, pooing – repeat.  That’s pretty predictable, yeah?  Not hard.  Then he’s peeing on me while Malia is in the midst of a tantrum that neither Mike or I can calm.  The reality of having 2 little ones under the age of 3 is a hard dose of reality.  It’s a much different experience than the rainbows and sunshine of the first round.  This round has some curve balls for sure.

The last 6 weeks have been a blur.  And there’s so much that I could write about but my feelings these days seem more intimate – more vulnerable.  Does that make sense?

Maybe my little ones are breaking me down a little and forcing me to see some of my own weaknesses.  I don’t know but I’m not sure I have the courage to share those vulnerabilities.  Maybe they’ll sound inappropriate when made public – like it’ll become one of those posts that should be titled “Things a mommy wishes she could say, but doesn’t”  Ha!

I’ve spent a lot of time lately crying over old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy.  I don’t think it’s because of the storylines.  I think, most of the time, it’s a release of whatever happens to be pent up that day….frustration, exhaustion, guilt, anxiety…even insecurity?  Because deep down there’s a part of me that’s realizing that (gasp!), “They’re winning!”.  As I’m getting peed on and a tantrum is taking place behind, I’ve lhad to learn very quickly to take a breath and just let it happen.  Babies don’t have control and I don’t have to be in control of everything all the time.  Frankly, it’s just not gonna happen anyway.

That’s just a new reality I’m facing and slowly coming to terms to.